I Imagined Richard Completely Healed.

What a beautiful weekend I had, filled with friends, family, encouragement and support (and coffee...always coffee!).  I have never been more grateful to live close to home.  I was able to spend most of Saturday with my parents at their house, dying eggs, relaxing and preparing for a fun Easter with them, my brother, sister-in-law and 2 year old nephew.  That R&R alone was enough to be thankful for.

We woke up this morning and went to an early church service, and how comforting it was to sit in between my parents and hear the word of God.  The pastor helped us remember what the resurrection of Jesus has done for us.  He told stories of sick loved ones being healed by the Lord in their last moments of life, as none of us are 100% healed until He calls us home.  I sat and listened with my head on my father's shoulder and tried hard to fight off tears, but I failed.  (Who is surprised?).  I sat crying, with my dad on my right side, also crying, and my mom on my left side holding my hand.  How grateful am I to have had the opportunity to share that sweet, precious moment with them.

Tears streamed down my cheeks for several minutes as I imagined Richard completely healed of the disease that had taken over him.  I remember seeing him, the last time I would ever get to see him on this Earth, completely tube and IV free.  Just Richard.  How at peace he looked.  He was healed!  No longer suffering, no longer in pain.  He was hauntingly beautiful.  And how comforted am I to know that He has gone home to our God.  That has brought me more peace than I can describe.  I have the resurrection of Christ to thank for that.  Hallelujah, indeed. 

Another thing that struck me this morning was when the pastor said that the resurrection is a reminder that our past does not dictate our future, for if that was true, Jesus would have remained in the grave.  But he didn't - he rose!  And because of that, we do not have to feel that what we have done in our pasts will always affect our futures.  He makes all things new.  What a blessing.  What a beautiful weekend I had.

I Wish I Would Have Hugged Him More.

Lately I have been able to let go of a lot of the "what ifs" that have bogged me down over the last few months.  What if I had done this instead of that.  What if I had gone here instead of there.  A lot of these "what ifs" immediately surround the days leading up to Richard going into the hospital.  To be 100% honest with you, things were not great right before he went in.  We had been arguing and there was much tension involved.  In fact, frankly, I was angry with Richard when he was admitted to the hospital, for things that are unimportant to disclose in this post - growing pains in our relationship, as well as stress surrounding holidays, as well as Richard being in a lot of pain (his back had been hurting the entire month of December).  Holidays always bring tension don't they?  I'll never understand.

So, I will be honest in saying that there are some things I wish I would have done differently in those last few days right before his hospital stay.  I wish I would have hugged him more.  I wish I would have let my guard down.  I wish I would have looked at him and told him everything would be okay.  But I did not.  I was angry with him and he was angry with me.  These were natural reactions.  Natural emotions.

I know, and have known from the very beginning, that the Lord had already walked before us and had orchestrated the end of our time together perfectly.  In knowing this, I remind myself (and am often reminded by wonderful friends), that God knew how we would react to the situation at hand.  The Lord laid out this perfect plan for the end of our relationship.  He knew that we would argue, that we would fight, and that we would both stubbornly stay put on our sides of town, and in turn, not see one another the day before he went into the hospital.  And because of that, we had the opportunity to cool off, think things through, not say hurtful things to one another, to allow our emotions to level.  Had we seen one another, I honestly do not know what would have happened.  Perhaps we would have broken up or said horrible things.  I am so glad we did not.  It reminds me that, while those few days were not fun, they happened just as they should. 

I am so grateful that, even after all of that, God crept into my heart and told me to let go of my anger while Richard was in the hospital.  Nothing would be solved there so why waste the energy.  You need to be supportive.  And while it was not always an easy time, watching the man you love in pain, we got the opportunity to have two more weeks together.  Two weeks where we laughed and cried and supported one another.  I am so grateful to my God for allowing me to have that time.  For keeping me with him until the very, very end.

It is so important for us to realize, remember and respect the fact that the Lord knows exactly what is going to happen and how we will react.  How vital to our souls is it to try our best to not beat ourselves up or dwell on regrets, for things happened just as they were meant to.  We will always have moments of "wish I would of done this differently," or "wish I had never said that," but let us not forget that we are simply human.  Human beings with flaws and sins too many to mention.  We must forgive ourselves for these things, just as the One that came to save us all has forgiven us.

Have a wonderful Easter, friends.

In Short, You Can't Get to Know God on the Fly.

"Any relationship, if it is going to grow, needs private space, time together without an agenda, where you can get to know each other.  This creates an environment where closeness can happen, where we can begin to understand each other's hearts.  

You don't create intimacy; you make room for it.  This is true whether you are talking about your spouse, your friend, or God.  You need space to be together.  Efficiency, multitasking, and busyness all kill intimacy.

In short, you can't get to know God on the fly."

-Paul Miller, The Praying Life

One of the biggest goals in my life, lately, has been to be the type of person that says, "I'll be praying for you," and actually be praying for you.  It is so easy to spread that sentiment and then forget about it when we finally get around to praying.

I am working on finding a way to continually pray to my God, to tell Him what's on my mind in an intentional way and not just before I fall asleep at night (usually falling asleep in the middle of talking to Him...oops).  While I do think the sporadic moments of prayer, that I am sure everyone has, are still sufficient for the Lord as He wants to hear from us all the time, I also believe that we need to take time to be intentional, to be still and to be focused on Him. 

I am still amazed by how blessed I have felt throughout the death of my sweet boyfriend.  I am still amazed at the things I am learning about him, his love and his character.  I am continually amazed by the people that reach out and the people I have met through this - people that he impacted in some way.  I am amazed by how loved I have felt by the Lord, never feeling His arms unfold from me.  I am still amazed that God allowed me to have an intimate opportunity to get to know one of His sons and that I was lucky enough to be a part of his life.  I am still amazed at the things that Richard is still teaching me, even after his passing. 

I continue to pray for Richard's family and his friends as we grieve him day in and day out.  I pray for us all to see the beautiful impact he had on our lives and the lessons he taught us.  And I pray that we will continue to move forward, never forgetting, but certainly embracing what is before us.  And I pray that we, all of us, focus on God and His plan - trusting in Him will set us free.

And When God Calls for You I'm Left Alone.

Today I heard the most beautiful song.  One that I do not recall hearing before.  It is the perfect description of grief and praise rolled into a musical ball.  The lyrics alone are sincere and sad and vulnerable, describing the pain of losing a loved one, but also acknowledging that meeting will take place again in heaven.  But the tune is charming and catchy and joyful, which is how rejoicing in the Lord feels.  It's a perfect example of how we can rejoice that God has taken one of our beloved ones home to rest while still feeling sad. 

It is the most fitting song I've ever heard.

 

Your Long Journey - Alison Krauss and Robert Plant

God's given us years of happiness here
Now we must part
And as the angels come and call for you
The pains of grief tug at my heart
Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey
Oh the days will be empty
The nights so long without you my love
And when God calls for you I'm left alone
But we will meet in heaven above
Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey
Fond memories I'll keep of happy ways
That on earth we trod
And when I come we will walk hand in hand
As one in heaven in the family of God
Oh my darling
My darling
My heart breaks as you take your long journey

Richard's Purpose.

One of my favorite things to talk about is Richard's purpose in my life.  I've said before that the Lord made it apparent that He brought us together for a reason; He also made it apparent (though I didn't always see it) that He wanted us together until the end of Richard's life.

Richard taught me more about humility than any other person I've ever met.  Richard was constantly being humbled through various events and situations throughout our relationship.  Although he did get frustrated throughout some of these situations, you know - because he was human, he handled it with such grace.  It was beautiful.  He was beautiful!

He taught me to be more tactful.  He taught me to tell shorter stories (this did not always go over well with me...).  He taught me random facts about health, Star Wars and the Huntsville Public Library.  He was kind of a nerd.  :)  I always go for the nerdy ones...just ask my mom.

That boy showed me what God's love could like in a relationship, showing me kind, genuine, sincere love even when I was a brat.  And I see now, more than ever, that his main purpose in my life was to bring me closer to the Lord.  I believe that God was working through both of us so that we would lean on him every step of the way.  The Lord brought Richard and I through several trials and tribulations while we were together and the results were he and I growing together and leaning hard on our God.  And talking about it all the time.  And trying to figure out what He wanted us to learn through it.

And then the Lord took Richard away from us.  And as a result of that I have grown even more dependent on Him.  How could I not?  How could I not see my need for God, for his comfort, peace and love throughout this tragic time?  God wants us, so badly, to fix our eyes on Him; to seek His help; to acknowledge our utter and extreme need for Him and to cry out to Him.  It doesn't always make sense but I continue to believe and to know that God will bless me through this trial.  He promises He will, so He will.

And what a freedom I find in that truth.  Freedom to sincerely grieve when I want to grieve and praise when I want to praise.  And I get to rejoice in the fact that Richard would be so, absolutely, pleased with me seeing this as his purpose in my life.

With the help of friends, family, counseling and prayer, clarity continues to seep through and set in, friends.  I hope you are seeking clarity in your own lives as well.  Sit still and listen.

Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love.

-Lamentations 3:32

Tribulation in Testing my Faith.

Letter from Rich, September 22nd, 2012

This is not the first time, nor an unusual feeling, I've wanted to just open up and expose my insides out.  You are the first person that has been able, or caused, me to feel in such a way.  I know now what genuinely pulled me in to you was a God-conscious thing of perfection in timing, the tribulation in testing my faith and capability of living God's will.  The only other pull at heart that was as monumental, or a bit more I should say, was meeting God some years back. 

I don't express gratitude I have for God to gain attention nor to appease anyone's wishful thinking.  There just seems to be a bettering reason of giving and ultimately receiving without reservation.  This applies to the reason behind me, silenced by my infatuation, not necessarily with you, but your well-being.  I've accepted that I may not always be blessed with your love, or from many others, and I've accepted the fact that I can't avoid the stream of life.  I can't force peace or love for me upon anyone else.  That is where my responsibility for another's well-being ends.  I can only pray and take action by becoming a more rigorous man by moralistic displays of affection.

I wish you nothing other than a mind at ease, a heart at peace, and the same infatuation with God's delicate stream waving and washing us clean.

'There is nothing more beautiful than how the crested wave kisses the shore and continues to come back for more.'

I love you,

Rich Gaiser III

Psalm 46

Not much to state tonight other than that I am extremely grateful for the group of girls that just left my house, after we gathered together to discuss a book we've started a study on (A Praying Life by Paul Miller).  

The Lord knows exactly what we need, when we need it and He sends in his army and troops after us.  He certainly did that for me tonight and I did not even know that I would be needing it beforehand!   

I pray that I will always have the undeserving honor of being a part of his army, to rush in and help those in need; only by His help and grace can I do that.  

The Psalm {46} listed below has been an extreme comfort to me lately.  I find so much peace in it; a reminder that there is no need to worry.  God's got this.  I hope you'll find peace in it, too.

God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

⁸ Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

¹¹ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.