But Who Has Rich?

It was 5 days before Richard's birthday when I answered the phone to a familiar voice on the other end, telling me that he had something he wanted to give me.  It was one of Richard's old AA sponsors.  A man that I have gotten to know since his death and a man that I have found comfort in.

Would I be able to meet him on Friday?  Yes, of course, I said.

"My dad's birthday is also the 16th and every year I make a chocolate fudge cake.  This year I thought I would make two and I wanted to give it to you."

Yes, I'd love that!

We came up with a place to meet on the Friday before Richard's birthday.  After some miscommunication and re-communicating, I met up with him on Friday night.

He handed me a massive chocolate fudge cake.  "Your mission," he said, "should you choose to accept it, is to eat through the entire cake and see what is on the bottom of it."

Oh, okay!  Absolutely.  I mean I can't eat the whole thing, but I'll see what I can do.

We talked a little more, and caught up a bit.  And then he proceeded to tell me some of the most beautiful advice I had ever heard.

"We have a saying in AA, you know, and that is 'let go and let God.'  It's okay to let go.  Remember in the movie Titanic and they show Rose at the end of the movie and how she had gone on to create a beautiful life.  It's okay to let go."

Yes, yes, I said as I laughed.  I'm just so ready to get through the year.

And then he said, "I know.  But who has Rich?"

God, I said meekly.

"And who has you?"

God, I said as I began to cry.

"Yes, so, really, you guys are not that far from each other."

(SWOON)

We wrapped up and said goodbyes.  I proceeded to walk to my car and as soon as the door shut I proceeded to SOB.  I'm talking UGLY CRYING, Y'ALL.  It lasted for a solid 30 minutes.  It was such a beautiful moment and it made my heart ache in the most beautiful way.


By the next night I had given enough of the cake away (which was freaking delicious by the way) and cut the rest of it up into squares.  I needed to know what was on the bottom.

Assuming it was candy or something else baked into the cake, I kept searching in the actual fudge.  Finally I realized that what was on the bottom WAS ACTUALLY ON THE BOTTOM.  It was what the cake was on.  I unwrapped layers of aluminum foil and cardboard to find a canvas.

I flipped the canvas over to find the most gorgeous painting.  AND IT WAS A PAINTING OF RICHARD AND I.  And it is accurate, y'all.  It's detailed and serene and just damn beautiful.

Commence breakdown number two.  A lovely, genuine, thoughtful gift that will be cherished forever.

I have officially learned more about living out God's love and grace from recovering alcoholics than I have from any church sermon.  What a beautiful way He communicates his love to us, through angels on Earth.

R - you're an absolute gem.  Thank you for your constant love and care.  Rich would be so grateful and would expect nothing less.  PS - I've been asked for the fudge cake recipe. :)

A Joyful, Grieving Heart.

My heart has been heavy lately.  Heavy with sadness and grief and the weight of others' burdens.  My personality is one that drips with empathy; it's who I have always been. 

It gets really annoying.

Sometimes I just want to flit and float around and pretend like nothing is wrong with anyone.  I just want to feel light and free.  However, often times I feel exactly the opposite.  But it is who the Lord made me so I continue to embrace it and figure out how to use it and when I can't figure it out I just pray through it all.

This morning I prayed for the Lord to continue to show me how to have a joyful AND grieving heart.  Seems impossible to me.  It's been hard for me to figure out lately; it's a confusing things longing to be joyful, yet carrying around so much sadness for others. 

This afternoon he gave me a little reminder via Ann Voskamp's Advent book, The Greatest Gift.

"In the press of a dark world, laughter comes to the Sarahs (see Genesis 21:1-7) and the sufferers and the stressed as the reliever and then the reminder - that ache is not the last word for those who believe in God.  Jesus is.  Jesus is the last word, and we rejoice and rejoice again and re-joy again because grace is our oxygen now."

Ache is not the last word for those who believe in God.

Beautiful.

We must remember what our end goal is.  Who our end goal is.  We must trudge forward and bring the joy of the Lord to all who surround us.  Even with a grieving heart we can laugh and share the joy of a Savior that came in the form of a teensie little baby.  We need not be fake about our emotional state.  We must cry when we want to cry and laugh when we want to laugh, and rejoice in the fact that Jesus is the last word. 

Last week I cried almost everyday.  We are nearing the end, friends.  Only about 5 weeks left until the 1 year anniversary of sweet Richard's death.  I am so ready for the one year to be over, but I continue to pray for a joyful, grieving heart. 

Sarah said, “God has brought me laughter, and everyone who hears about this will laugh with me.” And she added, “Who would have said to Abraham that Sarah would nurse children? Yet I have borne him a son in his old age.”

-Genesis 21:6-7

 



Issues with Santa.

Santa’s Village & Memories - Shattered Magazine 

https://www.shatteredmagazine.net/santas-village-memories/

Thankful in All Circumstances

http://www.shatteredmagazine.net/all-circumstances/

Peace, Love and Jesus, Y'all.

Check out my newest post on Shattered Magazine's blog.  So grateful for the opportunity to write for them!

http://www.shatteredmagazine.net/identity-lost-found/

Happy 10 Months Being With Your Creator.

"'In the midst of chaos, order can easily be found when love is at the forefront, for that is how God created life: through love, in return to be loved.'

Darling,
There is so much I'd like to write in hopes to give you a better idea of where my heart lies, but I don't want to draw on what's to come.  My world has been a whirlwind of great and tragic events, both holding their own weight for all the right reasons, I'm sure.  God has been casting shadows for me on the heated, dry days trekking the desert lessening the misery that once occupied my mind and heart.  And today He casts rays for the cloudier days until balance can weigh in.  The storm is almost over and peace will be found.  You have been a true inspiration by displaying your gratitude amongst the evils that plague our/any destined fortune of serene thinking and sound worship.  Your aptitude for love is phenomenally gracious and it makes my heart swell.  In times of humbling myself, God has placed a gentle hand on me to calm my spirit.  Sometimes I believe He introduced me to you for this reason alone.  Love first, then growth through action, followed by helping the next suffering.  The puzzle is pieced together by the eager need for love and practicing such."

- letter from Rich Gaiser, September 2012

And tonight my own heart is swelling with gratitude, sorrows, hope and trust in God's will.  Tomorrow is 10 months.  Happy 10 months being with your creator, Richard.

Just trying not to cry everyday until January 11.

Grieving sucks for a person that likes to plan.  I'd like to know when exactly my crazy bouts of tears will stop and when I can expect to feel a little more at ease.  Can't someone just give me a date?  Or a deadline.  I'm great with deadlines.

So far this journey has looked a lot like a roller coaster.  A straight dip down was the beginning; the middle was a bumpy with a lot of small, but manageable dips and turns; and now we're at the end of the ride and just as you think you're home free of crazy drops, you head straight downhill again.  I'm coming into the last leg of the first year grieving process, and I know that nothing will happen on January 12th, that I won't be magically cured of all sadness and nostalgia. But I do feel like there will be a weight lifted off of me.  As a friend told me tonight, "you'll have lived through it."  How true.  I won't be constantly comparing this year to last year, won't be reminiscing on what I was doing this time last November, or this time last Thanksgiving.

And let's face it: the Holidays typically suck.  As excited as we get for Thanksgiving and Christmas and this season that is among us, more typically than not, is there extreme amounts of drama and craziness.  So that doesn't help anything.  Oh and remember that time I thought that I was ready to date?  Yea.  I'm not.  So, there's that.  God has been protecting my heart from that for awhile but I was finally smacked in the face with a reality check as I was in the middle of a catastrophic meltdown about boys last week.  Oh, God - why are you always right?  Grateful for that.

I'm focusing on what's ahead, definitely.  Right now, I'm focusing on family and friends and work and writing and mentoring and being mentored and trying not to cry every single day until January 11 and realizing that if I do cry every single day until January 11 that it's perfectly fine.  Trying not to be so hard on myself and trying not to put a deadline on everything.

That's where I am right now.  I'm sure next week will feel completely different.


I'm starting to resent roller coasters.