We've all heard stories from people that claim to have heard God speak to them, right? I've always thought that seemed cool, to know for a fact that He spoke to you and it was clear as a crystal, blue day. I've never been one of those people with a story like that.
Forgive me as I type this out if this is not a completely developed thought. The truth is that I haven't really thought too deeply about all of this until pretty recently. I recall the details of my God-heard moment but I believe I pushed it out of my head after it had happened, simply assuming it was just a fleeting thought I conjured up. However, now it all makes sense.
I think it was back in October. I was lying in bed, well on my way to a peaceful slumber. All of the sudden I had a loud and clear thought. Loud enough in my head that it jolted my eyes open. Now it was not in a deep, booming voice - not in a voice that one would think that our powerful God would sound like. No, it was in my own voice, just like any other thought. Except that it wasn't coming from me, to me. It was coming from someone else.
"You will not marry this man."
My eyes flung open but I stayed very still. What? I thought. Where did that come from? Are you sure? But I love him. I can see myself marrying him. As my thoughts argued with that statement, nothing else seemed to come to me. Just confusion. It didn't last long. I eventually just waved that idea out of my head. I had fallen head over heels for Richard and I had just recently come to the conclusion that I could, indeed, see myself marrying him. I didn't have time for all of this nonsense.
Fast forward to today and it all seems so obvious now. I have no doubts that this was God speaking to me. Giving me just a subtle nudge. Planting a small seed in my heart to prepare me for what was to come. Not that I would have ever guessed that this is where things would have unfolded, but He was trying to warn me. Of course I didn't listen. We never really listen do we? I look back on it now and I think...whoa. How cool.
I hope you don't think I am crazy. I just can't see how it could have been anything else. Another thing I used to think about a lot, without really being able to understand it, was that although I could see myself marrying this boy, I never felt like it was going to be a long-term relationship. I remember it kind of being a nagging feeling I would get, but I did not get where it was coming from or why it would pop up. I'd picture our wedding, our life together, being able to spend as much time with him as I wanted. But deep down I knew it wouldn't last forever.
It all makes sense now. I'm glad that I didn't really pay attention to all of it, because then I could have missed out on so much. But then again, God was never telling me to leave. He knew I wouldn't leave. I was too in love. Too committed. He was just trying to prepare my heart for what would happen.
Awesome and painful blended together.