Hold Me Accountable, Please. It's About to Get Real.

And here we are on another 10th, meaning that we are about to face another 11th.  October 11th, will now mark 10 months that sweet Richard left us.

I can't remember if I have ever told y'all about the time he bought me Sweet 'N' Low?  I drink my coffee with just a bit of Sweet 'N' Low, and after hanging out for a couple of weeks or so, and after drinking a lot of coffee together, Richard picked up on that and bought me a box of it to keep at his house to accompany my cups of coffee with him.  It made me swoon.  Such a small, sincere considerate action.

It made me swoon.

Every month on the 11th I am forced to look back at why the 11th is even important to me; the tragic event of losing someone you love; the joyful event of having someone you love go home to be with the Lord.  So many emotions and feelings.  I think back to how in shock I was.  How hours after it happened, Ashley took me to Panera Bread to get food; food that I knew I wouldn't eat, but knew I needed to get in my possession.  I remember just standing in line like everyone else, waiting to order.  Just waiting like nothing had just happened.  Standing there as if I had not just lost my best friend.  I look back at that time now and almost scoff when I revisit the memory.  How could I have just stood there, calm and collected?  Ordering a damn bread bowl?  "Oh hey Panera person, yes can I please have a delicious bread bowl?  What am I doing tonight, you ask?  Oh nothing, just grieving the loss of my boyfriend."

Obviously that conversation did not actually happen.  I'm being dramatic.  Of course I was in shock.  I never realized the crazy ways shock can affect a person until that night.  Until now, looking back.

I know I have written so much about the incredible journey God has led me on since I had met Rich, but there is so much I have left out.  Many personal, gritty details that I have yet to share.  But I need you to know that I have full intentions of writing our entire story out, in the format of a book.  It is one of the coolest, intense, mind-boggling stories.  It needs to be shared.  The Lord's work in our lives needs to be shared.  If it doesn't actually become a book, then at least I can say I tried.  God's work will be done regardless.

I am in the last leg of my year-long grieving process (of course I don't think that as soon as January 11th hits I will quit grieving, but you catch my drift, here) and I think this will be extremely therapeutic.

So, there.  I have said it.  In a serious manner.  Hold me accountable, please.  It's about to get real.