What Am I Doing?

On October 10th, 2013 I so cutely wrote, " But I need you to know that I have full intentions of writing our entire story out, in the format of a book," like this would be an easy feat.  Now I'm scoffing at myself, and trying to insert my foot in my mouth.  Why? you ask.

Because writing this "book" is turning out to be harder than I want it to be.  It's now 4 months later and I've got exactly 1,565 words  written with not a ton of motivation to keep trudging forward.  I keep finding myself getting caught up in all the tiniest of tiny details, trying to decipher what's important and what's not.  Then I change my mind and just start typing EVERYTHING out but that causes me to lose focus in developing the actual story.

Having to take a step back and realize that this is going to be a process for me, not something that I can crank out over a few hours.  And truthfully, hashing out some of these details can cause me to lose focus because, naturally, my mind drifts back to those times.  Some of times Richard and I shared were very heavy; others were perfect.  A lot of little things (and big) happened over our short time together and, currently, I'm finding it draining to try to get them all out.

As much as I'd like to stick my foot in my mouth right about now I am grateful I had the inclination to publicly declare that I was taking on such a challenge as writing a book.  I suppose I subconsciously knew that I would need to announce it to a bunch of people so that I would stick with it.  Public declaration is a great form of accountability.  Don't let me slip, guys.  I'm counting on you.

Sincerely,

Writing hard and clear about what hurts.

"Stay. Stay by His Side. Not Forever, but for Now."

Sweet friends:

Next weekend the Spring edition of Shattered Magazine will be hitting the shelves of Barnes and Noble and Books-A-Million, as well as people's doorsteps.  I had the opportunity to write an article for them this quarter and I am so honored I was given the chance...and let's be honest, I am p-u-m-p-e-d to see my very own writing in print.  It's a dream coming true! 

If you have not already subscribed to this gorgeous magazine, please consider doing so soon!  You can do so at the link above.

A small snippet of the article is below.  Thank you all for your support throughout this journey!



The next four months were spent constantly praying, constantly trying to understand what he was going through, encouraging him to a fault and being as supportive as I could while still processing that my boyfriend was an alcoholic.  It was as ugly as it was beautiful at times.  I wish I could say I handled the entire situation gracefully and lady like, but the truth is that there were a lot of tears and a lot of questioning.  Questioning where he was, what he was doing; questioning what the Lord wanted me to do with all of this.  

And God always answered with, “stay.”  “Stay by his side.  Not forever, but for now.”

Exactly four months from the day that he went to rehab he was taken from our world.

The Dating Game.

"It is exactly how it sounds.  A game.
…

Hi, my name is Katie and I am no good at the “dating game.”

It’s not because I’m a rebel at heart or a habitual rule breaker; I just think the games are ridiculous.

I get caught up in the excitement of meeting someone that I connect with; someone that I have a lot in common with.  I’ve been known to ask a boy to get coffee first, often being too bold for my own good.  Why can’t I ask a boy to coffee?  What do I have to lose?  It’s just coffee.

This is my consistent thought process.

Oh and playing hard to get…ha!  I don’t even know what that means.  Why would I want to be “hard to get” for a guy I like, that in return likes me?"

Read the rest of this post at the link below...


The Dating Game continued...

The Beginning of a Story.

"This is a true story.  Not a story based on facts or stories, but one dripping with sincerity, truth and clarity.  Our story starts on Wednesday, April 23rd, 2012 and ends abruptly on Friday, January 11th, 2013.  Our story involves a boy and a girl, as most stories do.  It involves girl meeting boy, getting to know boy, falling in love with boy, being surprised by boy and with boy eventually dying and crushing girl’s heart.  While our story has heavy romance intertwined in the pages, it also has heaps of sadness, confusion and tragedy.  It is not a story to be taken lightly, hence the reason behind writing it down.  This story has touched many lives through its process and has completely changed my life for the better.  I’d like to share it in its entirety; the good and the bad, the hard and the easy, the beautiful and the ugly.  Here goes."

New Year, New Look; Same Place

I've decided to keep the same blog address and blog altogether.  I've decided to keep the place that my words unfolded for the last 12 months, the same.  Some things need to remain constant, I think.  But I've also decided to at least change the background...still need a little freshening up.

Now the challenge:
Figuring out what in the world to write about.  Stay tuned as I fight this battle. :)

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)
 

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

-ee Cummings

70 blog posts and 365 days later and I am not sure there are many words left to write.  I believe {hope} that I have squeezed and wrung out every ounce of Richard's soul that I possibly could.  Today I have spent time sitting, reflecting and re-reading every piece of encouragement I have received over this year.  I have read, re-read and practically memorized the words that Rich wrote me, hoping to truly soak up the genuine way he loved and cared about me so that it will not be forgotten.  

I began writing this blog, back in January, for several reasons:

To cope.
To openly talk about my grieving process in hopes that people will realize that maybe what they are personally going through isn't so crazy after all.
To share what God has taught me as He has worked through my heart during this traumatic season.
To spread hope.
To give a place to list out all of the lessons I have learned, all of the lessons God has unfolded before me.
To let the world know about a great man that captured my heart and soul; to show people who he had become at the end of his short life.
For God to use me as a device to show the world that it is okay to be broken and it is okay to talk about it and it is okay to admit it and work through it.
For others to understand that it is okay to be sad, to grieve, to not understand what God is doing; but it is important to try your best to continue to trust.

I hope, with my entire heart, that I was able to express these things.  I hope I shared enough about His grace in my life that others could locate the grace in their own lives if they had not already.  I hope that the world (this small world of blog readers) understood what can happen when God turns an incredibly difficult situation into something beautiful and that it is only by HIS doing that this can be achieved. 

So, in true dramatic and deadline-oriented fashion, I've decided that this blog post will be an ending of sorts.  This year will be something that I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life.  The year of firsts has been incredibly difficult, but incredibly rewarding.  And as much as I would love to write about Richard every day for the rest of my life, I know it's time to move forward, to let go (with the exception of continuing to write our story down.)  I am unsure if I will continue writing at this blog address or if I will create a new one.  I love times of newness.  Times to create a fresh space, a clean place to continue life.  Regardless, I will continue to write as it has now become a part of my character, something I do not want to see go.  And I have sweet Richard to thank for that.  Among the many other things he did for me, he continued to provide for me after his death; providing a way to heal and survive, from the inspiration of his own written word.

Thank you to you that have continued to read these ramblings month after month, no matter how sad they were - how sappy, depressing, confusing and repetitive the words may have been.  It's been the encouragement and support of friends, and strangers alike, that have helped get me to this place today.  Had you lovely people not sent me e-mails, letters, notes, facebook messages, tweets, left comments, read these words, etc - I would have stopped writing a long time ago.  So if I have, at all, helped one person, know that you all took part in that as well.  You have made an impact on more people than you can imagine.  Please know how appreciated you all are.

It is time to move forward to a new chapter, never forgetting the lessons picked up along the way, carrying sweet Richard's love in my heart as life continues on.  Life will never be the same again and I am eternally grateful. 

Love you sweet Rich.  Forever grateful for the impact you made on my life and for the legacy you left behind.  Missing you always.

 

A Last Love Letter.

For the last few days my head has been clear as ever and my heart beating me to sleep. That demonstrative thud that reminds me I'm full of love, not the hate that once flooded veins. 

I thank God for this as well as each breath that vacates my lungs. The crisp transformation of oxygen to vein to aortic tendency, God's delicate release. 

I hope you've found peace amongst chaotic times. These days have proven fortunate, the revealing thoughts I used to ask God for as a kid. When I was 9 I recall praying to Him every night for life to make sense. I was curious and wildly infatuated with the consistency of an answer, rather than asking the right questions. As of lately I've been so tied up with questions instead of allowing God to answer. 

Humility has brought me to my knees...and I love every bit of it. I love every bit of God. I love every bit of you. And luckily, today, I'm not playing for keeps. 

Each second I pray in hopes to fully turn over my shortcomings so I can be a device God uses to do his work. I hope he includes you in my journey. 

I love you. 

-R. Gaiser III

September 21st, 2012

Richard's words are so loud, so clear tonight. It's as if I can hear him reading them to me. Wise and precious words to live by and to forever cherish.